EXPLANATION OF TOOLS


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By glrbird - 14 Years Ago
DRILL PRESS: 
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat 
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in 
the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the 
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the 
corner where nothing could get to it.  

WIRE WHEEL:  
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere 
under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes 
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about 
the time it takes you to say, 'Oh Sh--!' 

SKIL SAW: 
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.  

PLIERS:
 Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. 

BELT SANDER: 
 
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.  

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Also good for cutting off fingers.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. 

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short. 

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.  May also be used to remove finger nails. 

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. 

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:
(A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
By oldcarmark - 14 Years Ago
You forgot EVERYONES favorite universal fixer! The HAMMER! If the one you are using doesn't fix it-get a BIGGER one!Guaranteed to fix  whatever you are working on real good. Whoops!I did not see hammer the first time reading it.I think you could have expanded more on the variety of uses! 
By 46yblock - 14 Years Ago
Funny BigGrin !
By MoonShadow - 14 Years Ago
Great! Someone has too much time on their hands. Chuck
By GREENBIRD56 - 14 Years Ago
The engineer that actually "schooled" me in the practice of being a designer of machinery and useful engineering....had two placards on his office wall that I saw many times...

(1) There is no engineering problem that can't be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

(2) Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Both have proven to be true. 

By texasmark1 - 14 Years Ago
thanks!

just the funny thing I needed to start my day off with a smile.

By mctim64 - 14 Years Ago
Tongue

bla

By pegleg - 14 Years Ago
[quote]GREENBIRD56 (8/1/2011)
The engineer that actually "schooled" me in the practice of being a designer of machinery and useful engineering....had two placards on his office wall that I saw many times...

(1) There is no engineering problem that can't be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

(2) Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Both have proven to be true. [/quote]

    In the foundry world we like to have a "Safety Factor" of around 300%. Sometimes even thats not enough! Ain't it amazing, no matter how much you are taught in school, it still comes down to learning on the job. Usually from some crusty old timer who starts off half his conversations with "I don't care what they taught you at (college name) this is how the F...we do it here". Pays to listen, he's often right, then you get to spend the next week trying to figure WHY it works when it makes no sense at all.Tongue

By lowrider - 14 Years Ago
I really liked the vise grips & hammer explanations. Not that I have had any experiences like that. 
By rick55 - 14 Years Ago
I must be one of the lucky(or isit unlucky) ones. I think I have experienced one of those at least half a dozen times in my life. I must admit though that it was when I was younger and generally trying to make the wrong tool do a job othrr than it was designed for.

I very quickly learnt the wisdom of a bad tradesman always blames his tools.

That is probably why by the time you get 50+ you have more tools than you can possibly need( in the wife's opinion) and more projects than you can ever finish.

Thanks for the post it was hilarious.

Regards
By 46yblock - 14 Years Ago
Upon looking over the definitions again, there was one I missed.  The two ton engine hoist!  Many chucles.
By dbird - 14 Years Ago
I always thought the correct name for a hammer was a precision adjustment tool.